Friends?

I feel like I don't have any friends. Not real ones who know me. I mean really know me. It's my fault ... I haven't been knowable. I haven't known what to say. And I've been told not to talk about it. How am I supposed to even start to talk about this? What am I supposed to tell anyone? On New Years Eve people are coming for board games. What am I supposed to tell them? Will he be here?