Five

Five months ago I had the hardest conversation I have ever had ... The one where I finally said I could no longer try to accept his behavior and where he said he would never change. When people ask when I got divorced, that is the day I think of.  Because it was the day there was no going back.

I think he believes I went into that conversation wanting a divorce. Not true. I went in desperately wanting him to want to stay. I wanted for him to be willing to be healthy - or, at minimum, simply acknowledge that he wasn't. I wanted for him to believe our marriage was worth more than his embarrassment ... That I was worth more than his pride.

But I knew then and I know now that he didn't. He didn't want me more than he wanted to be comfortable. He didn't want our marriage to be healthy more than wanted a non-marriage that appeared healthy. He didn't want to try to be happy except in a world that simply didn't include me.

Before that conversation I was able to tell myself there may be hope ... He may change. I may become stronger. We - the actual "we" - can get through this. But no. There was no "we." Only he and me. Separately. Broken.

And that's when my heart broke - shattered - into at least a million pieces, each a tiny crystalline reminder of the utter worthlessness I felt. I had, unfortunately, wrapped up basically all of the collateral on my personal value in him. So when he was no longer in the scenario, I literally didn't know what to do or say. The parts of me I could perceive as having meaning were all taken directly from him. I basically had ceased to exist without him. But I also knew I had to continue down the road ahead of me. And that I would need do start believing other things about myself. 

I left that particular Starbucks on that particular day knowing that I was alone and that I would be required to work out what that means. But that, at some unseeable time in the future, I would become  healthy and - dare I say it - happy.

I'm not sure when it happened - and it probably wasn't because of some big thing, but one day a couple weeks ago I woke up one morning and felt good - like a person, good. Happy - lots of happy. And healthy.

The first part of this year was awful with the occasional appearance of something fun. But I am turning a new leaf. Rounding the corner. (Insert your groovy metaphor here). Am I ready to take on the world? No, not really. But don't count me out just yet. I will get there.