Hello hoodie ... It’s been a while. 2019 marks five years since an end and a beginning. Five years of growth and strength. Five years of life that have been more full and happy than I had the capacity to hope.
I have a message for 5-year-ago me, and it goes something like this
Dear anxious, sad 2014 me -
It’s okay to cry as you read this. I was certainly crying when I wrote it. I still cry when I think of the headspace you are in. You don’t believe your therapist when she says you’re brave, but you are - more than either of you know.
In 5 years’ time you will have become okay with knowing yourself and with letting others know you. Trust will not come easily for you, and you’ll try. You will talk to strangers and share your story in times that it is helpful. You’re better able to discern between real friends and fake. That gut instinct you often ignore? Listen to it.
You’ll spend a lot of time alone. At various points you’ll date. The Steves are a phase, in some cases a hilarious one. Date when you’re ready. Don’t date when you don’t want to. Answer questions about it however you want. Also, when men are rude on dates, you’ll think about leaving. Leave every time.
You will have a lot of decisions to make over the next 5 years. And you’ll tackle each one in the best way you know how. Give yourself space and grace to make mistakes. You’re going to make them anyway - get used to it.
Don’t fret about whether people like you. Some do, some don’t. Learn from people in both camps. Stay away from people who don’t like your face. Same for people who say they don’t care about you. Chances are good they are personally miserable and you don’t need that, nor do you need to try to fix them.
Some advice for when you finally live alone (in about 2 years) - Try to sleep. Buy a sofa. Buy a trash can. Remember to wash your hair. Hug your people and call them often, especially the ones you think you’ve lost.
You just started dancing and you feel awkward. The awkwardness won’t really go away, but keep dancing - especially alone in your kitchen. Go to all of the dancey things you can. You have no idea how many significant interactions you will have because of it. You’ll put tens of thousands of miles on your car, and thousands of miles on your shoes. Right now you have no idea what a Swingout, dance exchange, or the Shim Sham is. You will. And you’ll love it all.
Over the next 5 years you will cry a lot. You’ll also laugh hard. You will do both at the same time. You don’t even know. It will hurt but you will heal.
At times you’ll swing too far into aggressive self protection. You will hurt people. Acknowledge when you’re wrong and make things right again.
You are valuable though you think you’re not and you have a very full life ahead. Run toward it (oh yeah, you enjoy running!). Keep living, lovely. You’re worth it. The most important thing for me to tell you is that I love you.
Love,
Contentedly happy, still sensitive and strong 2019 me
Today’s song: “Somewhere Only We Know,” Keane
