It was an awful situation, with a bunch of crummy options. I wouldn't wish that situation or those options on anyone. But given what I had, I chose the actions that, at the time, seemed best. Time has told me that when I chose to remove myself from danger and pain, I chose well. When I put myself (personally, physically, and emotionally) in danger because of an ideology, I chose poorly. But, looking back, I don't fault myself for choosing the paths I did. I didn't know where each choice would lead and, given some different variables, unknown at the time, any one of my choices, when coupled with choices in the same direction by him, could have led to an incredibly redemptive outcome. Instead, the series of both of our choices, but ultimately my own, has led me here, to precisely where I am now.
I appreciate the learning and growth I have experienced as a result of having made the decisions I did, and the events that followed. I have a more active and positive view of the power of my decisions, the impact of every relationship I choose to have or not have, the inherent worth of myself as a person.
Some of my decision making over the past two years has centered around addressing several physical health issues through changing diet, increasing exercise, and adjusting sleep habits. I take responsibility for what I put in my body and what I choose to leave out. I push myself to set and reach goals for exercise and training that 2-year-ago me would never have thought possible. In general, I feel great!
The impact I feel from each relationship I have has also shifted drastically. I used to say that I was completely invested in all of my relationships. First, this was untrue (from a math perspective, it's simply unrealistic), but, more importantly, it came from a lack of self-knowledge and self-love. I was less discerning about how much of me each person I interacted with got ... which meant, for me, that I trusted no one with anything of value. Now, I trust a few people with a lot of me, and am open to sharing my story with anyone who will benefit from it. I actively start and continue healthy relationships - even if, at times, the unhealthy parts of me are afraid to connect. I know how to end relationships and revoke trust, and I don't apologize for it. I've given myself the freedom and space to feel my worth as a person - a fully developed, functional, emotional, intellectual being. With healing has come a rediscovered self as a quietly confident, aware, accepting person unhampered by repressed emotions.
Some of my decision making over the past two years has centered around addressing several physical health issues through changing diet, increasing exercise, and adjusting sleep habits. I take responsibility for what I put in my body and what I choose to leave out. I push myself to set and reach goals for exercise and training that 2-year-ago me would never have thought possible. In general, I feel great!
The impact I feel from each relationship I have has also shifted drastically. I used to say that I was completely invested in all of my relationships. First, this was untrue (from a math perspective, it's simply unrealistic), but, more importantly, it came from a lack of self-knowledge and self-love. I was less discerning about how much of me each person I interacted with got ... which meant, for me, that I trusted no one with anything of value. Now, I trust a few people with a lot of me, and am open to sharing my story with anyone who will benefit from it. I actively start and continue healthy relationships - even if, at times, the unhealthy parts of me are afraid to connect. I know how to end relationships and revoke trust, and I don't apologize for it. I've given myself the freedom and space to feel my worth as a person - a fully developed, functional, emotional, intellectual being. With healing has come a rediscovered self as a quietly confident, aware, accepting person unhampered by repressed emotions.
Am I better for my path? No. I don't think people become better and worse - only more developed versions of who they are. For the path I have followed, I am stronger, healthier. I'm more empathetic and less conclusory, slower to advise and faster to listen, more self aware and less self absorbed. I am more discerning about who I consider a friend and what I share. I am more confident in my decisions and willing to take ownership of them. I feel like I am still on the road, but coming to the end of this particular journey. Understanding that my past colors my perspectives and will cast both shadow and light on my future, from here, it's time to look forward.
