It's a memory gap. A period of time where I simply do not have recall. I know things happened during these months ... They are documented at work or in personal emails / calendar. But, on the whole, I don't actually remember them. And when I try to the whole period seems draped in a dense cloud of just ... dark.
Fortunately or not, I know this memory shutdown was a part of my self-protection during a time that frightened and overwhelmed me. And I appreciate my mind's ability to assess the situation, analyze it against my personal strengths, assign it a value, and do what it deemed I needed in order to cope. Psych 101 for the win!
Now that I am healthier, life doesn't hurt, and I feel like I can handle things, the realization that I went into that level of self-protection without even knowing it bothers me. But then, that bother is replaced by self-acceptance ... the idea that a large part of the 'acceptance' phase of grieving is me learning to accept me. So just now I am learning to work with what I have ... a dark place in my mind that I know is there - and maybe over time the cloud will dissipate - while I continue filling the rest with sunshine.
Now that I am healthier, life doesn't hurt, and I feel like I can handle things, the realization that I went into that level of self-protection without even knowing it bothers me. But then, that bother is replaced by self-acceptance ... the idea that a large part of the 'acceptance' phase of grieving is me learning to accept me. So just now I am learning to work with what I have ... a dark place in my mind that I know is there - and maybe over time the cloud will dissipate - while I continue filling the rest with sunshine.
Today's Song: Dark Side by Kelly Clarkson
